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“Live” Blogging the Oscars

Monday, February 25, 2008
by

Pun!I was using the Internet the other day and I noticed that every single website was gearing up to hatefully liveblog the Academy Awards. Seemed to me that if every single website was doing it, there must be a good reason, and it didn’t take long for me to figure that reason out: it’s really, really easy. Cause for hate abounds, and what you write — sorry, what you blog — doesn’t even have to be good, because people know you’re not getting to edit yourself, and that as-it-happens edge is enough to keep it compelling. They feel a connection with the writer — “Hey, I’m watching that right now too! I thought that dress was ugly/speech was lame/win was undeserved too!” Just keep it peppy, add in a swear or two, and crank the hate up to 11.

That last part will not be hard. This is gonna be hell.

February 24, 2008
7:49pm

I’m not looking forward to this. I don’t think I’ve watched the complete Oscars telecast since Letterman hosted them. I can’t check what year that was right now, because the ethernet cable doesn’t reach out to my livingroom. Same reason this isn’t actually a liveblogging. I guess you win, rest of Internet.

But somewhere in late highschool, I think, I came to a series of conclusions, including: the Oscars are not worth my time. The Oscars don’t dictate and/or reflect film quality, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be worth my time.

I’m watching only because of Jon Stewart. And I guess I’d like to see the performance of the song from Once. And Ellen Page is cute, even though I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian. On with the show!

7:59
Seems I tuned in too late, and missed Ben Mulroney and that 700-year old fashion witch giving the Canadian perspective on the red carpet. Thank god. Regis is handling it for the real red carpet suckjob. And I suppose I can handle Regis.

Clooney’s woman is not even a little bit ugly.

8:09
Steve Guttenburg is at the Oscars.

8:17
I was wrong about Regis.

8:38
Judging by the monologue thus far, the writer’s strike needed to end at least two weeks earlier. Don’t I have a couple of Daily Shows saved on this computer somewhere?

8:41
Oh, it’s the fashion award.

8:42
Oh, the crossword puzzle in last week’s NOW is still only half-done.

8:49
This “Oscar Moments” montage is really trying my patience. I get it already — this show isn’t completely worthless. Its 80 years have provided over four minutes of memorable happenings.

8:53
Personally, I’d pick Persepolis over Ratatouille for best animated, but Brad Bird’s great. The Simpsons and The Iron Giant earn a man a life pass. I’ve got a Brad Bird tattoo on my inner thigh.

9:00
A musical number from Enchanted = 10,000 NYPD plungers.

9:09
Man, this is really starting to frustrate me: 62 Across – “Challenge” _ I _ A _ What the hell could it be?

9:11
Kinda feels like it.

9:20
They just announced that Owen Wilson’s gonna present. I guess if you can’t make the in memorium section, this’ll have to do.

9:30
Hey, they’ve got that animated bee from that horrible failure Bee Movie introducing a “Bees in Movies” montage. I wonder if Bee Movie’s going to be out on DVD anytime soon.

9:39
It just occurred to me that I could be watching an actual movie right now instead of this.

9:49
Yes, Mr. President of the Academy, please describe, in as much detail as you possibly can, the process of nomination and winner selection. IT’S JUST SO FASCINATING.

9:52
It’s another song from Enchanted. And I can’t do this anymore.

Yeah, I’m done. Maybe they’ll put the Once song on YouTube.
laebmada

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. James17930 permalink
    Tuesday, February 26, 2008 1:26 am

    Well, at least a movie you liked won Best Picture.

  2. Tuesday, February 26, 2008 11:15 am

    I thought Stewart managed to get in some good jokes, but yeah, there wasn’t much to the ceremony this year. I was hoping he would have been more biting and scathing – kind of like when Steve Martin hosted a few year’s ago, which I thought was great. Nice little jab at Norbit though.

    I always watch the Oscars, as I think I admitted once on this blog. This year I had only seen a couple of the movies, and therefore couldn’t get too excited about anything. It was nice to see the Coen brothers win a bunch of awards.

    In the end they don’t mean anything, but meh, I’ll still watch them. And I don’t really have a better reason other then I kind of like getting caught up in the Hollywood glamour/pizzaz/superficiality for a few hours every year.

    Funny post though, as usual.

  3. Tuesday, February 26, 2008 5:33 pm

    First: they did.

    Second, in terms of winners: in pretty much every category, what I would’ve picked is what won. Even the general selection of nominees was decent. In terms of representing what was actually good this year, the 2008 Oscars were as strong as any I remember.

    But that has no bearing on how unbearable the whole thing is for me. They could’ve surprised us all and just given Best Picture to Crash again, and it wouldn’t make a difference. The whole self-important affair just grates, and it’s so brutally forced — I became convinced, as I watched Regis interview Laura Linney, that none of the people there really want to be there, and none of the people watching at home really want to be watching. And yet it goes on.

    For the record, Jon Stewart’s monologue did have a couple of good jokes mixed in with the easy-obvious stuff, but he was way better a couple of years ago (which I watched only in clips) because he seemed to take every opportunity to jab at the bullshit of it all. Classic: they play the “Hollywood’s Social Conscience” montage, show clips of movies being all bold about racism, sexism, prejudice against gays, unions, retards, whatever, and when it ends, Jon proudly declares “And none of those issues were ever a problem again!”

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