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The Art of Choosing a Bad Film

Saturday, March 17, 2007
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frankenfish_2004.jpgBy: Gooch

I know what you’re thinking. Why would a person, when deciding upon which movie to see, opt out of the most obvious choices and choose something deliberately bad? Well, the answer is simple. A bad film can provide just as much entertainment as any good film. I may be crazy, but experience has taught me this much. When you see a good (or in some cases great) film, you feel something. If it’s a comedy, you laugh. Perhaps you cried at the latest drama, or literally were scared s***less by the latest horror film. These films have everything going for them…..a good script, a good director, and the best actors, but sometimes you just want something more. This is where a bad film can help out. A good-bad film can make you laugh and cry as well, but for different reasons. You’ll laugh at the actors and their terrible acting, the script for being so horrible, the direction, cinematography, and everything you can think off, until, and this is only in some cases, it makes you cry. Now, before you go out there and choose something, you need to know that you cannot just pick any random film. There are definite rules that need to be followed. Keep in mind, these rules are not exhaustive, they are just a few that experience has taught me will help guide you to an exquisite evening of entertainment.

1. For your first foray, pick a direct to DVD sequel to a decently popular film. For example, Bring it On Again, or Bring it On: All or Nothing. Where the first film excelled in comedy, the sequels do not. The only laughs you will get are from the ridiculous scripts and the fact that people were actually willing to be in these movies; they even got paid! If you are looking for something more adult, maybe Basic Instinct 2 is your cup of tea. Although it did make a pit stop in theatres, it should have gone directly to jail without collecting $200 (which I do believe may have been the gross profit it made in theatres). This film is absolutely horrible, but it will make you ponder whatever happened to Sharon Stone’s potential movie career.

2. Choose a film starring a specific actor/actress. Now this is subjective to the individual in deciding upon which person this should be.chuck-norris.jpg Obvious choices for me are Vin Diesel or Chuck Norris. Both are so terrible at delivering their dialogue that it will make you laugh at loud and try to imitate them in every scene. The lack of facial expression on these two also adds to the laughs.

3. This will be the final step for now, but it is also the most difficult. (Note : This does involve some reading of the back of DVD covers.) When you go to the video store, do not look through the new releases. Go straight to the horror/suspense, drama, or comedy section and look for the most outrageous or funniest title you can find. Once you have found some, read the back. The descriptions will help you make your decision. For example, a recent find of mine was a horror gem called Frankenfish. The title almost sold me alone, but when I saw what was in store for me on the sleeve, I took a risk. That risk paid off.

These are just some basic rules that I have come up with. Please feel free to contribute and add on any rules that I may have left out. And even though most people would not admit it, there are many people out there who feel the same way I do. Choosing a good film is easy, but finding the perfect, bad film is an art form. hcoog

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Monday, March 19, 2007 8:29 am

    There’s also the Bruce Campbell factor.

    Anything with Bruce Campbell, including the vastly underrated classic, Moontrap, deserves at least one viewing, if not two.

  2. James17930 permalink
    Monday, March 19, 2007 1:22 pm

    The Chin lives!

    I remember the time I insulted him at a book reading by laughing uncontrolably when someone asked him how he chose his roles.

    Oh, those were times.

  3. Monday, March 19, 2007 2:14 pm

    You’re lucky he didn’t destroy you right then and there.

  4. Michie Michie permalink
    Monday, March 19, 2007 2:14 pm

    gooch u rock!!!

  5. Drew permalink
    Monday, March 19, 2007 4:53 pm

    I want to recommend Showdown in Little Tokyo starring Dolph Lundgren, Brandon Lee, and Tia Carrere (and her less modest body double). Most video rental stores mistakenly file this film under Action, but in fact it was the best comedy I’d seen in ages.

  6. Tuesday, March 20, 2007 1:17 am

    Anything involving genetically modified/biomechanical/undead animals (of the bloodthirsty variety, of course) is a safe bet. Because that means a hearty mix of low-budget CG, ramshackle editing, and puppets. And if the movie’s got upwards of three titles depending on region of release (difficult to check when browsing the video section, I know), it’s probably a winner.

    A couple of my most recent finds are the killer rats picture Altered Species/X-Species/Rodentz (Tagline: Hide the Cheese!) and Re-Animator auter Brian Yuzna’s Terminator Dog/T-D/Rottweiler (featuring the glorious Startled Chicken Shot, which got a solid 5 minutes of laughter from myself and my Viewing Companion).

    Which raises something that has to be mentioned: it’s best to view such a movie with a like-minded friend. While it’s possible for certain types to enjoy this kind of movie solo, they always work best in groups.

  7. Tuesday, March 20, 2007 1:27 am

    Oh, and one more thing: Gooch, I have no idea who you are, but on this page, we’re a-ok with cussin’.

    Watch this: Shit.

    Again: SHIT.

    Now italicized: Shit.

    Bold and italicized: Shit.

    Hyperlinked: Shit.

  8. Frenchie permalink
    Wednesday, March 21, 2007 1:34 pm

    CHUD

    CHUD 2: Bud the CHUD

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